The Scranton Strangler
The office, it is perhaps the best sitcom in modern television history (Suck it parks and rec! Fight me!) With an abundance of hilarious moments, relatable characters, and one of the best romances in history (Jim and Dwight) , it has earned its place in the heart of an entire generation and its quite honestly the only thing that brings me joy during these uncertain times, the world is a fucking nightmare. Since its inception, the show has developed a monster-like audience that simply cannot get enough. We have questions and we desperately want answers. One of the most prevalent questions circulating the internet “Is George Howard Skub the real Scranton strangler?” That’s right, this is yet another piece about the infamous Scranton Strangler, but you already knew that because it is literally impossible for me to come up with a good title. Is it worth going into? Probably not, but here I am writing and here you are reading, and I love you for that. The following is my attempt at staying focused long enough to list my top 3 Scranton Strangler suspects. Let me know if you agree, or don’t, whatever.
3. Creed Bratton
Creed Bratton gave us some of the funniest and some of the most touching moments in the entire series. I sometimes find myself wishing he was my dad, he taught me that sometimes a guy gotta ride the bull. It’s very difficult not to love Creed. With that being said. We were shown time and time gain that Creed is capable of some horrible things. There isn’t a lot of evidence pointing toward the fact that he is the Scranton Strangler, but he is certainly capable of killing and many other deplorable things. In the last episode we learn that he was wanted for selling drugs, trafficking endangered species meats and stealing weapons grade LSD (whatever the fuck that means! Is it like a gun that shoots LSD?) He has admitted to being part of several cults, both as a follower and a leader. You may be thinking to yourself, “but Pablo! That’s all in the past, he’s just a crazy old man now!” I think he could be a secret mastermind that hides behind a kooky old man. Or maybe the LSD gun did a little too much damage. The point is that he’s capable of a lot more than drug dealing and thievery. There’s an episode where he shows up covered in blood but he gets away with it because it’s Halloween. In another episode he says that “The last person to steal from Creed Bratton disappeared. His name, Creed Bratton” Does that mean he fucking killed the real Creed Bratton then stole his identity when he was first on the run? He was the last person to steal from Creed Bratton and then he disappeared when he assumed Creed Bratton’s identity. He’s absolutely mortified when police are even around him and when Michael tells him that there has been a murder and he’s a suspect he runs to his car and leaves. When Phillis plays Santa Clause he admits to having been evil that year. Maybe he got a taste for killing when he murdered the real Creed and went around killing everywhere he went, until he settled down in Scranton Pa got himself a job at a small paper company but didn’t stop killing earning himself the moniker of Scranton strangler (I don’t think I’ve ever used the word “moniker” in a sentence before and it feels good to finally do it) it wouldn't be too difficult for a man like Creed to frame someone. If Creed Bratton isn’t the Scranton Strangler he’s still a very dangerous man. Even more dangerous than the real Scranton Strangler.
2. Toby H. Flenderson
Aaaah Toby! You poor, sad little man! During season one I wondered why Michael hates him so much and by the end of the series I hate him so much that I want to punch him in the mouth every time he speaks. To be fair I hated almost every character in season 9, what a piece of trash! Anyway, Toby seems to be the internet’s number one pick for the Scranton Strangler position but as someone that dropped out of psych 101 (twice) I can tell you that Mr. Flenderson does not meet the characteristics of a serial killer. I see him more as a mass shooter, someone that snaps and shoots up the office one day. It’s not entirely impossible for him to be the strangler but I don’t think he’s smart enough to frame someone of multiple murders. You know what actually sounds impossible? The fact that Toby is the strangler and then got selected as a juror on the case! I can’t math very well but I’m sure the odds of that are literally ZERO. People argue that he feels guilty for letting an innocent man take the fall for him and that’s why he launches an investigation but the real Scranton Strangler is not a man that feels guilt. Toby is not defending George Howard Skub because he knows or thinks he’s innocent, Toby is doing it because he wants him to be. Toby is a huge true crime fan and is working on a series of novels based on a detective monikered Chad Flanderman (the second time felt just as good but then it made me wonder if the word “moniker” is even real. Am I real?!) Writers often put qualities they wish they had in their characters. Toby lives a very lonely and sad life, he’s as interesting as a potato and has absolutely nothing going for him in life. It makes infinitely more sense that he’s seeing things that aren’t there to try to live his life as Chad Flenderman. Pathetic. Fuck Toby.
1. Robert California
We have arrived at the last and my personal #1 pick in the Scranton Strangler 2020 draft the one with the moniker of Robert California aka Bob Kazamakis aka “The Fucking Lizard King” (that one just felt forced. Still not sure if Moniker is a real word. Mon-i-ker. Sounds real right?) He has proven time and time again that he is a man of great intellect, he’s extraordinarily confident, knows what he wants and knows how to get it. He talked Jo Bennett out of her job as CEO of Sabre intl. a company that she built from the ground up, not only that but he talked David Wallace out of a million dollars to go “mentor” young eastern European women when he learned the company was being liquidated. Robert California is not even remotely amused by the things you and I like, he simply views the world a completely different color. He carries himself like a true serial killer without an inch of remorse. He once told Erin that he was a ride she wouldn’t survive, I don’t think he was talking about sex. Sure we didn’t know of his existence until after George Howard Skub was tried and sentenced but we do know that he lives in Scranton. He’s a very wealthy man that frankly doesn’t fit in very well, he might have needed a change of pace after framing George and decided to get a simple job surrounded by average people. Who else in the entire show has the intellect and the resources to commit these heinous crimes and not only that, to frame George Howard Skub for it. Wait, I just saw a video interview with Paul Lieberstein, who wrote for the show and played dumb face Toby. Turns out that the Scranton Strangler did not kill his victims, he only strangled them until they passed out. This changes EVERYTHING! Disregard everything you just read. It’s trash, fucking dump it! Maybe it was……Gabe? That guy likes to get weird right? Honestly, I don’t care anymore, I’m over it. Later skater.